Dipper shrugs and smiles. “I’m clearly on fire today!” he says. “I got this.” He coughs and clears his throat. “Attention, passengers of the Calamity Limited! My name’s Dead-Eye Dipper Pines, and we’re here to—”

A breeze blows across the open plain, filling Dipper’s nose with pollen and causing him to—

“Achoo!”

—sneeze like a kitten.

All the train passengers giggle.

“Ignore that! Everyone ignore that! Forget that!” says Dipper. He brandishes the laser blaster. “LIKE I SAID, turn over your treasure or—achoo!” Dipper sneezes again.

Everyone giggles again.

“By Jove, he sneezes like a kitten!” exclaims a passenger with a handlebar mustache.

“That’s the most adorable thing I’ve ever seen!” says a passenger in a bonnet and petticoat.

“Why, these bandits aren’t threatening at all! They’re delightful!” says yet another passenger. “Here, someone give this adorable little boy a frilly handkerchief and let’s carry on our way!”

Everyone on the train nods.

A surly male passenger dressed in black produces a kerchief, saunters up, and gives it to Dipper.

Dipper looks at the man, who seems oddly familiar as he walks away, spurs clinking with each step.

“Take care of yourself now, y’hear?” the man says as all the passengers return to their seats.

At the front of the train, the conductor yells, “Rocks are cleared. Back on our way!”

The train lurches forward, with all the passengers on board laughing about what just happened and doing kitten-sneeze impressions.

“What a waste of time,” says Dipper, looking at the handkerchief he was just handed. His jaw drops. “Or was it? I knew that guy looked familiar! Look at the initials on this handkerchief! W. E.! Wyatt Earp!”

“The heartthrob pop star?” asks Mabel, her eyes shining.

“No!” says Dipper. “The most famous lawman of all time, and he just gave me his handkerchief! Do you know how valuable this is? We could probably sell this in the future and make a fortune!”

“Or take it to the way, way future and use Wyatt Earp’s DNA to make an army of clones!” says Mabel. “You guys can do that, right?”

“But what about the Time Pirates’ Treasure?” asks Blendin.

“Honestly, I’m kind of over it,” says Dipper.

“Me too,” says Mabel. “Wanna cash out this kerchief and go play video games?”

“Do I ever!” says Dipper.

The twins take Blendin’s time tape and return to the present.

They walk into the Mystery Shack and Stan is there to greet them.

“Grunkle Stan, you’ll never guess what we found!” says Dipper, waving the kerchief at him.

“Oh, good! Just what I needed!” says Stan, taking the hanky and sneezing up, down, and all around into it. He hands it back to Dipper. “Now, what were you saying?”

Dipper sighs. “Never mind,” he says, throwing the hanky in the trash.

“Hey, I know what’ll cheer you up!” says Grunkle Stan. “Check out this new attraction I got. It’s a penny arcade machine from the Old West! It depicts a real historical train robbery!”

Grunkle Stan gestures to an ancient rusty brass machine and plunks in a penny. A tiny curtain opens, revealing a model train filled with tiny toy passengers. A cowboy puppet pops up with a word bubble reading ACHOO! The model passengers pop up on springs. A caption rises on a stick: YONDER FOOL SNEEZES AS WOULD A KITTEN! WHAT A JACKANAPES!

Mabel can’t help laughing.

“I’m destroying this machine,” says Dipper.

THE END.