“Ehhh, I’m good, man,” says Dipper. “It’s nothing personal. I just don’t know you that well, and marriage is kind of a big deal, and I’m only twelve and I have this really specific plan about meeting my future wife in college and being friends with her for a long time before she realizes we’re perfect for each other. I’m pretty sure her name will be Jessica.”

The king stares, mouth agape.

“What he’s saying is, marriage would just be like…whaaaaa?” explains Mabel.

The king’s expression hardens. “So, if I am to understand you correctly,” he says, “you refuse to marry my daughter?”

“Yeah, pretty much. Sorry, dude,” says Dipper.

“Then so be it! Guards!” yells the king. “Take him to the stable!”

“What? Why?” asks Dipper.

“The winner of the joust is required by law to marry someone! So if you don’t marry my daughter, then I’ll marry you off to my prize donkey!” bellows the king.

The guards grab Dipper, Mabel, and Blendin by their arms and start to drag them away.

“Wait! No! I’ll just marry your daughter!” yells Dipper.

“Too little too late,” says the king as he turns his back on Dipper.

The stable is a filthy rectangular room buried deep beneath the castle. Rats scurry across its hay-covered floor. The guards lead Dipper down the hall to a small cobblestone-floored room where, awaiting him, is his bride-to-be: a large braying donkey.

“This is Ms. Gobblesnout,” says the knight. “She’ll be your wife.”

“Question,” says Mabel. “Does Ms. Gobblesnout have a maid of honor and can I be her maid of honor?”

“I don’t see why not,” says the knight.

Mabel pumps her fist. “Yesssss!”

Dipper glares at Mabel.

“What? This is happening, we might as well try to enjoy it!” she says.

And so, with Blendin as his best man and Mabel as the maid of honor, Dipper marries Ms. Gobblesnout. They all spend the rest of their lives in a barn feeding her hay.

And while Dipper and Ms. Gobblesnout never share what they consider to be “true love” or affection, they do have a stable, consistent marriage based on trust and open communication.

THE END.