“Mabel, I have to do this,” says Dipper.

“But what about the treasure?” asks Mabel.

“Uh, I dunno. Isn’t love the greatest treasure of all or something?” asks Dipper.

“Awww, you’re such a dork,” says Mabel, ruffling his hair. “Maybe you should get married while you have the chance!”

At a small private ceremony, beneath grapevines in a garden, Dipper marries Wendinella.

He experiences his first kiss, and it’s everything he’s ever dreamed of. He gazes into Wendinella’s eyes, and she gazes back. Dipper knows he’s made the right choice.

He says good-bye to Mabel and Blendin and encourages them to visit often. He gives them a note to pass along to Stan and his parents, explaining what happened.

Dipper and Wendinella travel to their new castle in their new kingdom. It’s a stately lot in the mountains, where pristine towers fly banners emblazoned with the Pines family crest.

“What a perfect place to spend the rest of our lives together,” says Dipper.

“Yes, indeed,” says Wendinella. “For only death will tear us apart.” She coughs.

“Whoa, what’s with the cough?” asks Dipper.

“’Tis nothing, my man,” says Wendinella. She coughs again. “Probably just a mild plague. Everyone gets these at one point or another.”

Dipper starts to sweat. He knows his bad luck well enough to know that this is one of those situations where, in an ironic twist, Wendinella will probably die and leave him broken and alone, regretting his choice.

But she doesn’t.

In fact, Dipper and Wendinella go on to lead very happy lives together. They rule the kingdom with grace and generosity but still make serfs form human pyramids and wear silly tunics every Thursday. It’s a good compromise. Sometimes they go around solving strange medieval mysteries together. Wendinella also encourages Dipper to use his knowledge of the future to write vague, terrifying prophecies about the twentieth century, just to mess with people. These writings are published under the pseudonym Nostradamus.

“I can’t believe this actually worked out,” says Dipper. “I sure pity any parallel universe version of me that didn’t go through with this!”

They laugh, and they shockingly live happily ever after.

Aw, how sweet. It would’ve been sweeter with some Time Pirates’ Treasure, though.

THE END.