“Uh, uh, uh…I’m gonna go with Mabel on this!” says Blendin. “She’s louder and more annoying and I personally respect that.”

“YES!” Mabel says with a pump of her fist.

“All right, I’m the captain of this here time ship, and as such I want everyone to refer to me as Madam Captain,” she says.

Blendin nods.

Dipper rolls his eyes.

“We’ve got an insane race ahead of us, but by the grace of Time Baby, we’re going to win. I guarantee it,” says Mabel with a smack of her fist in her palm. “Dipper, you’re my copilot. Blendin, you watch from the stands and radio us help if we need it.” Mabel tosses Blendin a radio from a nearby gear closet. “LET’S RACE!”

At the starting line, Mabel fires up the engine.

The entire craft rumbles and pulses with an electric glow.

“Yeah, baby! We got some power here!” Mabel says. “Who needs puncture-proof fuel tanks when you’re riding lightning?” She revs the engines.

Strange alien racers climb into their vehicles. The dust settles on the track.

A space racer with the name Racer T speeds toward them.

“Oh, m-man, it’s Racer T!” stammers Blendin through the intercom. “Its pilot is the fiercest space racer who ever lived! His dirty tricks are uglier than his hideous alien face!”

The racer pulls right up next to them.

Dipper, Mabel, and Blendin scream when they see…

“TOBY DETERMINED?” the trio exclaim.

Sure enough, the pilot navigating Racer T is their hometown reporter and social outcast, Toby Determined.

“What are you doing here?” asks Dipper.

“Well, I accidentally fell into a time portal while I was trying to use the public showers at the pool,” says Toby. “When I got here, people automatically assumed I was an alien and let me do whatever I wanted. Turns out I have a knack for racing. All that time following Shandra Jimenez in my car really paid off!”

“Toby, can you let us win this race, please?” asks Mabel. “We’ll give you a cut of our treasure!”

“Yeah, right!” says Toby. “I’m the official racer of Emperor Snorgshnog now and make time-millions in sponsorships! You little twerps are going down! Ha-cha-cha!” He puts on his helmet and lowers the visor.

Mabel glowers. “He’s going down,” she says.

“IT’S TIME FOR THE RACE TO BEGIN!” yells the announcer.

Ahead of them, the signal light flashes.

It goes red.

Yellow.

Indigo.

Binary.

Kaleidoscope.

Green.

Mabel floors the pedal and takes off with a sonic BOOM!

The crowd goes insane.

The twins are off to an early lead, with Toby Determined closely trailing them. They’re moving at impossible speeds, but Mabel is dodging stone arches and stalagmites, weaving through the canyon with grace.

The g-forces blow Dipper’s cheeks back to his ears. “MAAAAAABELLLLLL…we’re going tooooo faaaasssst.”

“You’re amazing!” says Blendin over the intercom. “How can a kid from the past even think fast enough to keep up with these turns?”

“I eat sugar straight out of the box!” screams Mabel, her smile widening.

On a wide turn, Toby Determined cuts the corner to catch up and starts ramming the side of the twins’ racer, trying to knock them off course. Laughing annoyingly, he hits his afterburners, temporarily blinding the twins with the jet-fire flash from his engines.

Mabel radios Blendin. “Blendin! He’s taken the lead! What should we do?”

“It looks like you guys are coming up on the Boonta Roku S curve!” says Blendin. “Just before it, to your left, is a secret passage. It’s a shortcut and it’ll give you the lead!”

“Isn’t that cheating?” screams Mabel.

“Does it matter?” Blendin yells back.

“Ah, jeez, what do we do, Dipper?” she asks. “We have to decide quickly! Should we take the passage and cheat to win? Or should I pause to consider the ethics and then cheat anyway?”

TAKE THE SHORTCUT: GO HERE PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT MORALITY: GO HERE