“The Oooollllld West!” Mabel shouts. She spits on the ground.

Dipper fires imaginary six-shooters into the air.

“Okay, guys,” says Blendin. “That seems as good a place as any to find the key! Hold on to your hats. We’re traveling through time and space, so things might get illogical!” Blendin pulls the time tape, and with an electric surge—

WHOOOOSH!

—they appear in a distant town.

Then the buildings around them shrink in fast motion, clouds whip through the sky, cacti rise from the earth, and in a blinding flash of light, they find themselves standing on the rough-and-tumble dirt streets of an old town: Calamity Junction.

“Whoa!” exclaims Mabel.

“Neat!” shouts Dipper.

“Watch out!” yells Blendin, tackling the twins.

A stagecoach races through the spot where they were just standing.

“We gotta be careful!” says Blendin, coughing up dust, sand, and a rusty bullet.

“I can’t believe it!” says Dipper. “The Wild, Wild West!”

Mabel squints at him. “Ehhh, I dunno. It’s wild all right, but is it wild, wild?”

SMASH!

A black-vested desperado is thrown from a second-story saloon window. He lands on a grazing buffalo, is bucked off, careens through a cactus patch, and smashes into the double doors of another saloon. The passing townsfolk don’t even turn their heads as they walk by.

Mabel grins. “Wiiiiild, wiiiild,” she whispers.

“Well, the first thing we should do is find a way to blend in,” says Dipper.

“Lucky for you, that’s my middle name!” says Blendin.

“Actually, it’s your first,” says Dipper. “Anyway, I don’t like the way these townsfolk are looking at us.” Dipper motions to a group of townspeople staring them down and pointing.

Dipper, Mabel, and Blendin stroll into a nearby general store to find a change of clothes. The place is a ramshackle affair, not unlike the Mystery Shack. There are rows and rows of chicken feed and gold-panning supplies, as well as antiquated foods like johnnycakes and corn dodgers. Behind the counter sits a familiar-looking hayseed type who seems an awful lot like the farmer back in Gravity Falls.

“Farmer Sprott?” asks Dipper. “What are you doing way out here?”

“Nay, I’m not a farmer, but my last name is Sprott,” he says. “People call me Shopkeeper Sprott, sure enough. And judging by the looks of your clothing, y’all must be witches!” Slowly, he pulls a pitchfork from behind the counter.

“Ha-ha, uh, no. We’re, uh…from the city,” says Mabel with an awkward sideways glance.

“Witch City?” he asks, narrowing his eyes at her.

“Which city, indeed,” says Mabel.

Nodding slowly, Shopkeeper Sprott puts down the pitchfork. “Well, your wordplay tricks have me plumb distracted,” he says. “What brings y’all ’round these parts?”

“We’re looking for a magic key so I can dress my pig in gold!” says Mabel with a huge grin.

Dipper steps in front of her. “Forget that!” he says. “It’s a normal key. A good ol’ worthless key nobody would ever want.”

“But we want it!” says Blendin, who’s sweating. “Boy, do we ever want it.”

Shopkeeper Sprott reaches slowly for the pitchfork.

“No, no, wait!” Dipper says. He unfurls the map. “It looks like this!”

Shopkeeper Sprott looks at it and nods. “I saw a man with such a key! He was wearing all manner of puffy exotic clothing and said ‘ARRR’ a lot, sure enough. I think he lost that key in a card game with the outlaws who terrorize yonder saloon!” He motions to the saloon across the way, where several villainous-looking cowboys sit seedily around a card table.

Dipper, Mabel, and Blendin gulp.

A woman steps beside the shopkeeper and says to him, “Oh, hush, Ezekiel.” She turns to their present company. “That pirate stranger didn’t lose the key in a card game! He traded it to that wily prospector on the outskirts of town. You should go to the old mine if you wanna find it.”

“You’re both wrong!” says a man with short shorts and a mustache. “I saw that man leave town on the last train. With the key! But there ain’t no way to get it now ’cept train robbin’!”

Dipper, Mabel, and Blendin each pick out their favorite cowboy attire, pay at the counter, and step outside the general store.

“All three of these leads make sense,” says Dipper. “Whaddya think, guys? Should we confront those mean-looking cowboys, or should we poke around in the old mine? The train has already left town, so if we go after it, we’ll have to take horses and ride up like an old-fashioned train robbery!”

“Horses!” says Mabel. “Anything with horses!”

CONFRONT THE OUTLAWS IN THE SALOON: GO HERE COMMIT A GREAT TRAIN ROBBERY: GO HERE EMBARK ON A MINING ADVENTURE: GO HERE