Dipper, Mabel, and Blendin watch forty hands reach for weapons.

“WOOO-HOOO!” screams the crowd, everyone firing wildly into the air.

Wild Eyes Joe approaches the stage.

“Kids, that’s the best gosh-darn show I’ve ever seen in my life,” he says. “Here, have some money!” He beams and hands Dipper an old-timey Union banknote. There’s an image of an eagle being shot out of a cannon and a scroll reading CARPETBAGGER’S BURDEN. “Everybody, give these kids some money!”

The whole crowd showers the stage with bills and coins.

“Will you perform again?” asks Wild Eyes Joe.

Dipper and Mabel look at each other.

“Dipper,” says Mabel from the side of her mouth, “we have a mission here, remember? We have to see if these outlaws have the Time Key.”

“YES! YES, YES, YES!” yells Blendin as he catches bills. He leans toward the twins and whispers, “I’ve never received this much praise in my entire life. You have to help me do it again!”

Dipper looks to Mabel and shrugs. “I don’t see why not,” he says. “I mean, they are showering us with money! And this nickel has an image of a winking muskrat on it!”

They take it from the top and run through the number a second time.

The crowd goes wild.

“Shouldn’t we get going?” asks Mabel after their tenth performance. “My legs are sore from hoedown fatigue.”

Dipper looks at Blendin, who’s smiling from ear to ear. “I dunno, Mabel,” he says. “Blendin seems…really happy. Maybe for the first time in his entire life. What if he’s better off here in the West as a weird vaudeville entertainer?”

“Guys, I thought treasure was gonna fix my life, but I’ve found something better: praise from toothless criminals,” says Blendin. “Here, take my time tape and money and go home!” Blendin shoves the time tape and the cash from the outlaws into the twins’ hands.

“Yay. Ten dollars,” says Mabel with a frown.

“I’ll read about you in the history books,” says Dipper to Blendin. “I mean, that is, if you haven’t completely altered time by being here,” he adds with a laugh. “But what’s the worst that could happen?”

With a nod, the twins pull the tape and return to the Mystery Shack. They find Grunkle Stan sitting on the couch watching TV as usual.

“Where have you kids been?” Grunkle Stan asks.

“If we told you, you wouldn’t even believe us,” says Dipper with a smirk.

“Really? Try me,” says Stan. “And by try me, I really mean ZRSKRUAD SLKDH SDUIFH HVEE SCRUK SHDOIS SNARGHHH CHAAAAAAAA!” Stan screams as he rips off his mask, revealing a horrible reptilian head beneath.

The twins shout.

It’s too late.

The future is ruled by lizard-faced reptoids.

Way to go, reader. In all honesty, the kids should have seen this coming.

THE END.