Time Beard and his crew move to seize Blendin.

“Blendin may be dumb—” says Mabel.

“Hey!” says Blendin.

“—and he may be a terrible time traveler—” says Mabel.

“The worst!” says Dipper.

“Aw, come on!” says Blendin.

“—but he’s our friend, and we’re gonna stand by him!” Mabel finishes. She draws a rusty cutlass from the sand.

Dipper follows suit.

“Yarrrrrrghh, clock your time muskets!” says Time Beard.

His crew shoves watches and clock parts into front-loading flintlock pistols.

With a time-shaking thud, the T. rex leaps off the ship and into the sand with one of the pirates on its back. The dinosaur kicks its feet in the sand menacingly.

“If it’s a time battle ye want, it’s a time battle ye’ll get!” says Time Beard. “Attack!”

His crew charges Blendin and the twins.

The gang charges back.

Dipper ducks under a volley of clock fire, leaps up, and locks cutlasses with a Time Pirate, then kicks the pirate’s legs out from under him.

Mabel dashes across the sand toward a particularly burly Time Pirate.

He swings his sword at her, but Mabel ducks under his legs, scales his back, and pulls his hat over his eyes.

Blendin fires both of the laser blasters he brought along. Portals to other times open everywhere. A shark leaps out of one, grabs a Time Pirate, and pulls him through the portal.

“ENOUGH! Attack with the dinosaur!” says Time Beard.

The Time Pirate riding the T. rex charges toward Blendin, knocking Time Pirates out of the way. The dinosaur head-butts Blendin and knocks him onto the sand before reeling back to deliver a final blow.

Dipper sees this over his shoulder. He turns back to grab his cutlass but finds himself face to face with the business end of a reverse chrono-blaster held by Albert Einstein. Dipper ducks as the Nobel laureate fires, and the blast strikes a Time Pirate behind Dipper, turning the pirate into a baby. Dipper kicks the blaster out of Albert Einstein’s hands, catches it, spins, and shoots the T. rex. The dinosaur immediately transforms into an adorable baby T. rex that looks like a large featherless parrot.

Mabel is quick to hop onto its back. “Charge, my little angel!” she says as she plows through a cadre of Time Pirates like they’re bowling pins.

A bunch of them run away from her.

Big Ben rouses several of the Time Pirates and leads them into battle. They charge at Dipper, forcing him into a four-way swashbuckling sword fight. With their advanced clocksabers, they cut Dipper’s sword down to nothing but a handle and knock him onto the sand.

“Yarrrgh, looks like the end of ye,” says Big Ben. He draws back his clocksaber.

Dipper looks to Mabel and Blendin, who are in similar situations. Dipper feels around in the sand behind him, searching for something, anything. His hand grasps something solid. He draws it forward. It’s a pickax.

“Yarrrgh, yourself!” yells Dipper. He swings the pickax, knocking the clocksaber from Big Ben’s hand. Dipper looks at the shore. All manner of weird Old West things have washed up.

“Guys! There’s a bunch of Old Western junk on the beach! Grab something!” he shouts.

Mabel grabs pies and starts throwing them at Time Pirates, causing them to shriek and flee. Blendin grabs a hoop dress and throws it over a Time Pirate’s head before tackling him. Big Ben and the final contingent of Time Pirates retreat.

Dipper corrals them back toward their ship.

Blendin shoots more blaster fire and drives them away from his side.

Together, the three beat the Time Pirates back.

“What?” says Time Beard. “What’s happening?”

“They’re too powerful!” shouts a Time Pirate. “We can’t stop them!”

“Darn tootin’ you can’t!” says Mabel.

Time Beard shakes his fist.

“Yarrrgh, you leave me no other choice,” he says. “We have one last option.”

All the Time Pirates shudder and murmur.

Big Ben approaches Time Beard. “You can’t be serious!” he says.

“I am serious,” says Time Beard. “RELEASE THE TIME CAT!”

Dipper and Mabel scrunch up their faces.

Blendin squeaks.

All the Time Pirates hide their eyes as an enormous door on the front of the galleon lowers. It hits the sand with a thud. A bloodcurdling growl emanates from the bowels of the ship. The ground shakes. Something very large steps forward from the shadows. Sensing it, the baby T. rex bolts off down the beach.

The twins draw what they’re sure are going to be their final breaths.

Out from the ship steps an elephant-sized tabby cat.

“Awww, that’s not so bad,” says Mabel.

“MEE­EOO­OOOO­OAAA­AAWW­WRRR­RRRR­RRRR­RRRR­RRRR­RRRR!” the time cat roars, almost knocking Dipper and Mabel off their feet. It crouches.

All the twins can do is gulp.

“I guess we didn’t m-make the r-right choice,” stammers Dipper.

The time cat digs its claws into the sand and leaps toward Mabel!

The Time Pirates look away.

Then…the time cat rolls to a stop and starts pawing at Mabel’s sweater.

“The ball of yarn on my sweater!” Mabel exclaims. “The time cat is mesmerized by it!”

The giant feline purrs and rolls around on its back.

The Time Pirates gasp.

“They fear not the time cat!” yells Calico Shorthand.

“The time cat fears not them!” yells Calico Longhand.

“Running is our only hope now!” yells Calico Secondhand.

All the Time Pirates start scrambling onto the ship. Some pull up the anchor and others cast the sails.

Time Beard roars, “Come back out here and fight! I am not moving my ship until—”

BOOM!

One of the Time Pirates punches Time Beard in the face.

“That Time Pirate just knocked his clocks out!” says Mabel.

“Mutiny!” shouts the Time Pirate as he drags their unconscious leader onto the ship.

Another Time Pirate grabs the helm and starts to steer the ship away.

Down on the beach the twins and Blendin cheer.

The time cat continues pawing at Mabel’s sweater. It nuzzles up against her.

“We did it!” says Blendin. “We beat the Time Pirates! Can you believe this?”

“This is amazing!” says Mabel as she slips out of the yarn ball sweater. “And all because I happened to wear the right sweater!”

“Huh,” says Dipper. “I guess that small choice did matter.”

They survey the beach for a peaceful moment. It’s blasted and charred from the battle with the Time Pirates, but the hyper-X remains.

Dipper and Mabel turn to Blendin. “Look, we’re splitting this treasure three ways, just like we agreed,” says Dipper, “because unlike Time Pirates, we’re good for our word. But if you ever trick us again, so help us Time Baby, we’re going to sic this time cat on you, you got it?”

Mabel snaps her fingers.

The beach shakes as the time cat growls at Blendin.

“G-g-got it!” stammers Blendin, gulping. “I’m really sorry, kids. I tried to make friends with the wrong crowd. Mabel, will you do the honors?” He hands Mabel a shovel.

Smiling, Mabel hits the hyper-X with the shovel, and treasure starts pouring out of it like coins in a video game.

There are rubies, gold coins, gold statues, famous paintings, a copy of the Declaration of Independence, Amelia Earhart looking very confused, and all sorts of riches.

Their jaws drop as they look at the haul.

“This is the biggest treasure I’ve ever seen!” says Dipper.

“Where am I?” asks Amelia.

“You could probably buy at least a boat with this!” says Mabel as she picks up a handful of coins and drops them on her own head.

Dipper and Mabel dance, but Blendin stares at the treasure and and thinks.

“I have an idea,” says Blendin. “Kids, this treasure is just a drop in the bucket. If we wanted to, with this time cat, we could take over the Time Pirate crew and travel the ages looting twice as much. Why be rich when we can be double rich?”

“I dunno,” says Mabel. “Doesn’t that seem a little greedy?”

“It’s been a long day and maybe we should just be content with the infinite wealth that’s already in our hands,” says Dipper as coins continue to flow from the hyper-X like a fountain.

“Come on, guys, be greedy with me!” says Blendin as he waves around the time tape in his hands. “There’s nothing wrong with that! Eh? Eh? I pull this, we go back a few minutes and take over the Time Pirates’ ship before they can leave? DOUBLE RICH.”

Dipper and Mabel look at each other.

“Which should we choose?” asks Mabel.

TO BE GREEDY: GO HERE NOT TO BE GREEDY: GO HERE