The trio huddles and whispers. Then they turn back to the king.

“We chose searching the dungeon!” says Dipper. “Whatever the danger, we three heroes are prepared to do what it takes!”

“I think we’d all like to meet a wizard,” says Mabel. “They always have silly names and neat things in their pockets.”

“So be it!” says the king. “Guards, show them the entrance to the Labyrinth of Unfathomable Horrors!”

“Wait, hold up,” says Dipper. “Say that name again?”

“The Labyrinth of Unfathomable Horrors!” repeats the king, grinning. “It is five hundred miles of twisted corridors full of traps and dead ends designed to make all who enter them go completely mad! That’s why the wizard chose to hide down there. He knew no one would be stupid enough to follow him inside!”

The twins and Blendin look at each other, their eyes wide.

“On second thought, maybe we’ll just do one of the other quests,” says Dipper. “Didn’t you say something about two other opt—”

“I tire of this conversation!” squeals the king, pounding his scepter down. “My mouth is not for debating! It is for being fed kingly delights! Guards, take them away! And feed me something on a stick so I don’t have to move!”

The knights drag the gang out of the throne room and lead them down a dank spiral stairwell that runs deep below the castle. It grows increasingly dark and cobweb-infested as they descend the twisting stairs. They shudder in the cold as their shaky footsteps echo in the freezing air.

“I sure am glad I’m wearing a sweater right now,” says Mabel. “Come to think of it, this is the first time all summer it’s been appropriate.”

The group approaches two massive oak doors secured by an enormous crossbeam. Three knights struggle to lift it. Wails of suffering sound from behind the doors.

The knights hand Dipper a flickering torch as they shove the trio through the double doors and into the darkness beyond.

“So, this wizard character. Where can we find him?” Mabel asks the knights. “Got any hints? Maybe one of those keychain beepers that helps you find your wizard in a large parking lot? Beep-beep?”

The knights slam the doors in their faces.

“Rude!” Mabel calls out.

Dipper holds up his torch, revealing an arched hallway stretching for what seems like an endless distance ahead of them. The floor is dust. The walls are made of moldy bricks and bones. A barely legible message scrawled on the wall reads:

They all shudder.

“Well, I guess there’s only one way to go,” says Dipper.

“You know, this all might seem bad,” says Blendin, “but it’s actually quite impressive when you remember that this was built by human hands, centuries before modern tools and—”

“Ah-ah!” says Mabel, holding a finger to his mouth. “Now is quiet time.”

The group hears an eerie moan of pain echoing down the dark hallway.

“Ah! A g-g-g-generally unpleasant noise!” stammers Blendin, hiding behind the twins.

“It sounds like a walrus giving birth to a camel,” says Mabel.

“Well, the only direction we can move is toward it,” says Dipper.

He, Mabel, and Blendin continue creeping toward the moaning until they see, hunched in the shadows, the bony silhouette of a skeletal form ravenously gnawing the head off a fish.

Dipper steps toward it, lifts the torch, and screams when he sees…

“Toby DETERMINED?” Mabel shouts.

Sure enough, it’s their hometown reporter and failed tap dancer, Toby Determined. “Oh, hey, friends!” he says, offering them the chewed remains of his fish. “Want some cave fish? It’s blind, so it doesn’t know it’s being eaten alive!”

“What are you doing in here?” asks Dipper. “How is this even possible?”

“Well, it’s a funny story!” says Toby. “I was eating a microwavable dinner-for-one while trying to get mayo stains out of my favorite pair of sweatpants—”

“This is literally the saddest story I’ve ever heard,” says Mabel.

“—when I was suddenly hit by a glowing purple time portal and wound up here!” continues Toby. “Apparently, the townsfolk thought I was some kind of ‘sadness troll’ and locked me in this dungeon for the last year! There’s all sorts of fellas down here. I even saw a wizard once.”

“Ah, jeez, s-sorry about that,” stammers Blendin. “There’s an eensy-weensy chance that that futuristic time blast might have been my fault.”

“No, it’s been great here!” says Toby. “I’ve made friends with a rat, and these dungeon rags are the cleanest clothes I’ve ever worn! Treat yourself to a sniff!”

“Not happening,” says Dipper.

“Well, hey, if you know your way around here, maybe you could help us!” says Mabel with a smile.

“One second, group meeting,” says Dipper. He pulls Mabel and Blendin aside. “Mabel, what are you doing? Do you really wanna spend the next six hours walking in complete darkness with Toby ‘Have Some Cave Fish’ Determined?”

“Aw, come on, Dipper, he isn’t that bad,” she says. “If you cover his face with your thumb, you don’t have to look at it. Besides, he might help us find the wizard!”

Dipper thinks about it long and hard.

FOLLOW TOBY THROUGH THE DUNGEON: GO HERE TURN DOWN TOBY’S OFFER AND LEAVE HIM: GO HERE