“I choose…JOUSTING!” Dipper says, stepping forward.

Mabel’s and Blendin’s jaws drop.

“Wait, what?” yells Mabel. “Jousting?”

“Wait, I meant to say chess,” says Dipper. “I said chess, right?”

Mabel shakes her head at Dipper.

“Woo, that was not a good slip of the tongue,” Dipper says.

“So be it!” declares the king with a clap of his hands.

A squire straps armor on Dipper and puts him on the back of a horse.

“So, uh, dude, do you have any tips?” asks Dipper.

“Hit him with the pointy end,” says the squire. “And do it first.”

Dipper gulps.

Moments later, the king on his golden balcony throne looks out over the jousting field, a huge arena decked out with multicolored tapestries depicting the heroic deaths of past failed jousters. Mabel and Blendin stand beside him. Down below, a chicken in a striped tunic with Referee stitched on it pecks at the ground. Dipper rides his horse out onto the jousting field, and the crowd cheers.

“Seriously, guys, I really meant ch-chess,” Dipper stammers. “Are you really going to let a child joust a full-grown man?”

Trumpets announce Sir Swollsley’s arrival.

“YES-ith! YES-ith! Gazeth upon my pipes!” Swollsley yells, flexing his arms.

“When the trumpet blasts, ye shall charge and try to dismount each other!” the king shouts out to the contestants. “Whoever is left upright shall be the victor!”

“Yeah, bro, I love that! I LOVE THAT!” screams Swollsley.

“But whoever loses will be remembered in one of our lovely death tapestries, now available for sale in our Gift Shoppe!” shouts the king.

Dipper gulps, lowers his visor, and attempts to focus. He locks eyes on Swollsley, who’s kissing his lance and biceps.

The trumpet sounds.

Dipper and Swollsley charge, racing at each other with dangerous speed. Dipper bounces up and down on his horse, barely able to hold the lance straight. Right as he is in striking range, Dipper closes his eyes and—

SMACK!

Dipper opens his eyes. He’s still upright on his horse. He looks back and sees he has successfully dismounted his opponent.

“Incredible!” shouts Mabel from the stands. “Dipper’s so short, Swollsley’s lance went right over him!”

“NO! THIS IS NOT RIGHT, BRO!” yells the vanquished knight.

“Woo!” screams Dipper, tossing back his visor and grinning.

“Yippee!” squeals the king, clapping madly.

“Woo-hoo! Can a sister get her key now?” asks Mabel.

“Ho-ho-ho! Goodness, no. Not until Dipper takes my daughter’s hand in marriage!” says the king. “That’s the whole reason we’re doing this, remember?”

“Wait, what?” says Dipper.

“A wedding! This is so exciting!” Mabel squeals.

“What, Mabel?” says Dipper. “I don’t wanna get married!”

“Oh, you better,” says the king. “It would be a great insult to me if you didn’t. You’re marrying this girl, finding a replacement suitor, or facing the consequences of defying the king!” His knights surround Dipper, their spearheads aimed right at him.

The chicken referee seems to have no opinion on the matter.

“What’ll it be, boy?” asks the king.

Dipper’s in some real hot soup now, I tell ya!

ACCEPT THE MARRIAGE: GO HERE FIND A REPLACEMENT SUITOR: GO HERE REFUSE TO MARRY THE KING’S DAUGHTER: GO HERE