“Let’s pick medieval England!” says Mabel.

“I agree!” says Dipper. “Castles! Treasure! Wizards!”

“And free pigs just wandering in the street. IN THE STREET!” squeals Mabel.

“Yeah, plus if their paintings are any indication, I feel my body type was way more appreciated in those days,” mumbles Blendin. “Let’s go find that Time Key!”

Blendin pulls the tape.

Dipper and Mabel put their hands on his shoulders before—

WHOOOOSHHHH!

Blurring lights swirl about, followed by a static pop as they travel through space and time and—

SPLASH!

—land in a pool of mud in the middle of a feudal hamlet. Countless busy villagers freeze in stunned silence and gaze upon the trio.

“This is really awkward,” says Dipper.

“Yeah,” says Mabel. “It’s like that time I called a boy I’d never met by his name because I looked it up online like a creep.”

The rush of horse hooves shatters the peaceful silence, and a band of elegantly armored knights rides up.

“Whoa, shiny knights! Are you here to take us to our destinies?” asks Mabel.

“No,” says the lead knight with a flip of his visor. “We’re here to take you to the king!”

“The hot king?” asks Mabel.

“No. The tyrannical dictator king,” says the knight.

“But on a scale from hot to not, how would you rate him?” she asks.

They all stare at each other uncomfortably for a moment.

The gang is stripped of their weapons. They are led into a stately throne room and thrown on the hard, cold cobblestone floor. Before them sits a pot-bellied king with a long white beard. He eats fanciful foods and giggles to himself. He speaks in a high nasal register. “Tell me, what brings you wretched lot to my kingdom?”

Dipper stands up and opens his mouth but he has his legs kicked out from beneath him.

“Kneel when you address the king,” grunts a tall knight.

Dipper coughs. “Sorry, Your Majesty, we meant no disrespect,” he says. “We’ve come to your land in search of a key. Just a plain old key. We mean only to find it and not get in your way. At all. Or anything. True story.”

The king strokes his regal beard. “A key, you say? Could you describe this…key?”

Dipper and Mabel look at Blendin.

“Y-yes, Your King,” says Blendin. “It belongs to a group of feared and respected pirates led by a man with clocks in his beard.”

The king trembles. “Shiver me in my deepest of timbers, I know one of these pirates you speak of! He left a key here and told me not to tell anyone about it!”

“He did?” Dipper, Mabel, and Blendin say in unison.

“Furthermore, I’d be happy to tell you more about it,” says the king.

“You would?” asks Dipper. He almost stands, but when the tall knight moves toward him, he kneels back down. “That’s great,” he says, “and disconcertingly straightforward….Usually we have to—”

“I will tell you if you complete one of three royal tasks for me!” says the king.

Dipper, Mabel, and Blendin sigh.

“I knew it was too good to be true,” mutters Dipper. “All right, King, what do you need?”

“Task the first!” shouts the king. “My daughter is being courted by a knightly suitor!”

“You go, girlfriend!” says Mabel.

“Alas,” says the king, “the suitor is an honorless brute. He’s very annoying, and I’d hate to have him around my kingdom more than he already is. If you can defeat him in a contest of valor and rid me of him, my information will be yours!”

Dipper gulps.

“Task the second!” yells the king. “A dragon has stolen my fanciest goblet and is covetously hoarding it! It would benefit me greatly if you can slay him and bring it back!”

“Oh, pick the dragon, pick the dragon!” chants Mabel. “But we’re not slaying it,” she whispers.

“Task the third!” shouts the king. “My best wizard has gone mad and hidden away in the dungeon. I need someone to go into the catacombs to find him and bring him back to me! Can you help me?”

BATTLE THE KNIGHT: GO HERE SLAY THE DRAGON: GO HERE FIND THE MISSING WIZARD IN THE DUNGEON: GO HERE